Friends????

I use to have a bunch of friends and now it's like, if I don't call I don't hear from them anymore.
My depression is deep and dark and my anxiety is spinning out of control.  The worst part is I have no one to talk to about how I feel. Everyone is either too busy, it's the time of year but still I have no friends close by I can talk too.  If it wasn't for my kids and family I would want to be dead.

I use to think I needed a man this time of year, but at my age it's friends I want and need.  I am writing this and crying my eyes out like a fool because I am alone.  Yesterday all the kids were here for Yule dinner.  It was awesome!  Today was taking stalk of my life, and there isn't anyone I could call and they would drop everything to come over for tea.  If Shan or Eva were closer I know they would but what happened to all my other friends?  I don't know even how to make new friends as I have this HUGE social anxiety issue.

Help me Goddess, I need to see the good in my life, there has to be more good in it than I see now.  Another couple of days and I will be with my family for their Christmas, I look forward to seeing everyone and their kids and my parents with my kids.  Then another let down after that.  Not sure how many more I can handle alone.

buses, trains and cars

well I've been back to work for a bit now, and I am liking it!  It feels good to leave my house every morning, even if its before the crack of dawn.  Either Faith drives me in when our shifts match up or I bus it to the train, let me tell you it sucks being on a bus with morning people they don't shut up!!  Waiting for the bus is another thing that bugs me, I am not going to talk to you or give you change if you are talking to yourself walking down the street when the sun isn't even up yet!  The train is lovely and quiet other than the announcer except if it's Thomas then I usually sit in his car because he's HOT! LOL

Work has been busy and good and I find I have a feeling of self there.  I've only seen my boss twice as they had a baby and now the poor baby boy is sick I pray he is protected and comes back soon.  However it is nice not having anyone to have to report myself too at all lol  I just do my job and feel good about it. 

Pissy Post

i have this great porch on the front of my house and it has now been taken over by my roomer!  he has bikes out there, does 'work' out there my friends won't even come over because of the mess of the porch and him always being out there.
I know I have to say something but I am so non-confrontational it's hard for me.  My dining room, living room and front hall and tiny kitchen also have been invaded, I won't even invite people over anymore.
I need his money but this is getting to be a huge problem and it isn't getting cleaned up no matter how many times I ask him to clean it up.
I have to say something UGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHhhhh  I wish he would clean this shit up put it in his room or in the garage.
ok once his friends leave, I'm going to say something tonight.

Thank Goddess for GREAT people!

One of the food banks, well the only one I know about, was giving out grocery cards for people who were without power and lost their fridge contents.  I now have $50 to go to the grocery store and replace what I lost and get some staples into the house again.

Thankfully everyone on my street now has hydro power!!!  So grateful that we all made safely through the storm and the weather wasn't stinking hot on the days we were waiting for the power to return.

My you bask in the love of the God and Goddess in your life~~

Storms and no hydro, buses and trains

Friday we caught the tail end of a tornado, I have never been so terrified as when the sky turned the funny black grey colour, churning and then blam!  The great big Maple tree bent like Gumby and 3/4 of the tree came down and took out the hydro for our area.  It has not been fun at all, no way to cook anything no way to keep anything cold and of course being broke has not helped at all.  Thank Goddess, I came home today and our hydro was back on!  Sadly my friends on the street are still out.

Faith has driven me either to work or to the bus station this first week, I'm screwed for August she is on afternoon's.  However, I have been on city buses, the GO bus and trains, I miss my car!  It's been wonderful to see my old work friends again, so many faces I've loved and missed.

May the Goddess keep you all safe.

Back to Work for me...

Went to the doctor's today and he has decided to try putting me back into the work environment part time for 6 months and see if it helps or makes things worse.
Only good thing is a pay cheque.

Visiting time

no appointments until July 9th so I am at my sister's for the long Canada Weekend!

Innisfil!!

Here is a valuable owl knowledge along with something that is hard to do sometimes.

Owl Knowledge

Trying my best!

To all my Canadian friends, HAPPY CANADA DAY WEEKEND!!

Cupcake Cake!!

Have a safe one my friends

it is called my bitching blog for a reason

my depression is getting deeper now that I have no income coming in.  how will i pay my rent?  bills?  and once I can't afford to get my medication I will really be fucked.

the best part will be the withdrawals trying to find a reason to stay alive is going to be the hardest part of all.

i'm done, i am aware people are worse off with cancer etc but this is my blog and my feelings and therefore I can bitch, cry, whine and release my feelings on here.

Another Day

Now don't be shocked... I am cooking dinner!  No junk food tonight!

There is this very easy quiche recipe you can put whatever veggies in and I haven't made it in forever, but felt like it tonight.

update on meeting with HR

Well even with the 2 doctors notes, I may still have to return to work.
Work has to go with the insurance company's opinion, even though my doctors will NOT sign off on my return to work.  I don't know what I am going to do, I have another thing for the doctor to fill out but no money to get him to fill it out.  

Shannon would have me move up north without anything but still owe my landlord back rent, so I need to have a job of some kind as she is the important one to pay back first.  

I have Shannon looking into a job at her work come October and hopefully I will have things wrapped up here, either with my appealing the insurance outcome or with CPP and ODSP.

Homework UGH!!

Well this week we have to keep a journal with the percentage of how uncomfortable we think things that cause us anxiety are going to be then how bad they really were.  We have to do something out of our comfort zone everyday this week until class on Monday.

1. Tuesday; going to a busy mall and ask people for directions on where to find the ink filling store.
2. Wednesday is my meeting with HR at work which requires 2 buses to get there and 2 back.
3. Thursday I am going to do some packing which will freak me out with the what if I might need this crap.
4. Friday I am going to tackle my bedroom, pack stuff not being used 
5. Saturday I am going to do the closet in my room and in the main hallway
6. Sunday I will attempt house work.
   
   This is not going to be a fun experiment!

June 10th

Today is Social Phobia class day, I don't like this group very much but it is a required group for my mental health... my own choice.

It is in a small room with many people and all of us quiet due to our social anxiety issues lol  it isn't funny but it is on this side of the table.

Wednesday I meet with HR at my office, I have 2 very strong doctor notes stating I can not return to work at this time and it is not sure when I will be ready to return.  This has me terrified if they don't switch me to the new insurance company I will have to move as I will have no money for anything and the thought is terrifying but exciting that I could be moving up north now rather than the end of August which is my estimation on when I should hear back from the government.

Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers, light a candle for me for this to work out.

May Goddess keep you in her arms and your Angels keep you safe.

This Time of Year

There is something about this time of year, the warm wind, flowers coming up, the trees blooming... I just want to jump into my SUV and roll down the windows and head to the beach!
Being that the doctor took my licence that isn't going to happen but I just want to drive so bad with the smell in the air and the feeling in my stomach.  I want that freedom back but have to know it's never going to happen.

I start knitting and don't want to knit anymore, that goes with cross stitch and crochet.  Not even sure I could read a book at this moment in time I am just so itchy to do something that isn't what I would normally do.  

I need to do more packing, but need to wait to hear if I am accepted for life long disability and terrified they will say no, then what do I do?

Friends just came by to save me. LOL  later my loves....

What is enough?

I have a friend who has 2 beautiful kids under 4 yrs old, today her husband decided he had enough of family life and walked out the door.
Now a little background, she does any thing he wants, cooks what he wants has dinner ready when he comes home from work, does whatever he wants in the bedroom, without question and yet it is too much.  He has cheated with at least 1 girl at work, there may be more.  Today he leaves for a single younger girl at work without committments, wants to party and have fun.  Hey sounds like fun doesn't it?  This is not a mid life crisis, he is only in his mid 20's.

What about your wife who you've been with for 10 years?
What about your 3 year old and your 1 yr old?
What about the vows you said?

You are an ASSHOLE, you are scum and I have lost all respect for you.  I pray everyday for this family 

What will you do when the gf figures out she isn't the only one?  What will happen when she sees the real you, not this romantic amazing man willing to leave his wife and kids?  Once a cheater, always a cheater, this could mean you honey!!!
I don't understand men, I keep running into this type of man yet I know for a fact there are great men out there, my Poppa, my Daddy and my 2 brother in-laws are all good loyal respectful men yet everyone I meet is just like my friend's husband.

Life has got to get better for my friend and her children, please light a candle, say a prayer, something.  I thank you from the bottom of my heart.

for my L!!

My Crazy Weekend HELP FLEAS!!!

I called my landlord mid last week about a horrible problem with Fleas  my roommate is freaking thinking they are bed bugs!  I had a friend over who has horrible reactions to bedbugs and she did not get 1 bite and was over and on various pieces of furniture that he says he has been bitten sitting there.  Now I have seen the welts on his arms but hey dude, get it together, no one else is getting bitten JUST YOU!!

seriously!

Don't get me wrong, he is a great guy when he wants to be, but a regular asshole when he is breathing or without his weed, he has a back problem and has been moving my furniture around to get away from the 'bugs'.

his life line

  

my computer guru

He fixes computers yet for some reason can't get a job due to his back, whatever!  So yesterday when he had no weed and had been moving shit around he woke up screaming at me that I better call the landlord or he was calling a pest company if she didn't come and deal with these things ASAP.  
Now I had called Wednesday, Friday and again Sunday and finally got ahold of her and is sending people with some damn steam thing that kills both fleas and bedbugs so we had to move everything away from the baseboards.  
Of course my house is not exactly easy to do this as I have so much shit up on the main floor because I am planning on moving I have all my cross stitch stuff, knitting and crochet not to mention all my witchy things up here to ORGANIZE and figure out what I can part with so there is no fucking room!  I look like a Hoarder at the moment and with my bipolar, ocd and anxiety going fucking crazy with all this shit in the center of EVERY ROOM!

at the moment UGH!

Once this is done today, I am going to be putting everything into my cabinets and getting rid of more stuff!

Have a bunch of these to organize my craft stuff

This was my plan for the week anyway, so guess it is going to be done for sure this week.
Hoping for sure the flea's will be gone, and if the RM has anymore issues I am going to tell him he has 2 months notice to get the fuck out!

Home DAMN IT!

So I took the bus home yesterday, sadly.  I love it up there even if there are children in the home LOL  

I missed Lisa and the kids, so good to see them I missed tea with Mary too.  

My heart is up North now with the beautiful sky and wonderful fresh air and I found out there is a speedway just up the road!! SO excited about that!!

I have crap to finish here before I can move up there and what am I doing, hiding in the basement.  I hate the city more than ever.  

I have great friends here in the city, I don't get to see them often enough and I'm ok with that, but is so much better up north where I will be living with Shannon and the kids.

On the plus side, having lunch with my oldest son Mike tomorrow, so looking forward to that!!!!  Wish I could see Joe, miss him too.  My kids are so important to me, love that they are grown and doing their own thing, but sad they are grown up.

I am cold and bitchy today... 

Vacation in the North and 1st Birthday

So Wednesday March 20th I bused it out of the big city with a huge suitcase, dog kennel, huge purse and a back back.  Now only was it Ostara (our Easter if you are a witch, wiccan, pagan, druid etc), but it was the Grand Witchlet's 1st birthday!!!!!!!  Pictures to follow.

Poor Hermione, she has chewed herself raw with anxiety due to he trip in the travel kennel.  However with a few bathroom accidents a day due to the amount of thawed out mud she has been loving it anyway.  

Sunday was the BIG family birthday party at Great Nana's house with what seemed to be a million people however I met a couple of really nice people and a couple with some really bad energy, I stayed away when I felt those.  It was a lot of fun for everyone and reminded me of when we did family birthday's when the kids were little.

On the Saturday Shannon and I had a blast, we danced and talked, sang and danced some more until exhaustion kicked in and swe crashed hard! lol

We talked about the fact with her working we were not getting to spend much time together, so I decided to leave after Easter weekend so I didn't have the traffic of people on April 1st.  Shan and I are going to Barrie to kick around on Saturday and Sunday we will just chill out and talk more.  

Saturday is Kyla (the witchlet's mom)'s 19th birthday and Sunday is Anthony's (her boyfriend), who is the sweetest kindest soul I have met in my life.  So we get more birthday to celebrate before I go home. lol like my ass needs more damn cake! lol

I haven't had 1 panic or anxiety attack, with the exception of a bit of anxiety on the day of the family birthday party, since the bus rides.  I feel so good up here, it feeds my soul and makes me feel so amazingly serene.  I use to think it was just being with Shannon and her family, but it is that and the nature all around me.  I walked around the outside of the house this morning it felt so amazing and so good to be breathing the fresh chilly air and hear the birds and see the barns and at night when it is clear, the stars are fill the sky... nirvana!

birthday Witchlet Ellie with Nana Shannon

Greetings my 2 followers LMAO

I asked a good question today, is it possible that I was misdiagnosed with BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder) now that I have been diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder... or can I have both. WELL... the answer is BOTH... DING DING DING!!!

it is possible to have both borderline personality disorder and bipolar disorder. Bipolar disorder is more of a chemical imbalance. It is not that borderline personality disorder is more pathological-its that its more "ingrained." Its a dysfunctional way of thinking and perceiving that greatly impairs one's normal functioning. The core feature of borderline personality disorder is a pervasive pattern of instability of interpersonal relationships, self-image, and affect and impulsivity. And individuals with borderline personality disorder experience mood fluctuations or emotional dysregulation in response to their external environment (ex. they may instantly become overly angry or sad-beyond normal-if they perceive that someone is mistreating them). Individuals with bipolar disorder experience mood fluctuations as a chemical imbalance (though they are normal people and experience a normal range of emotions when confronting different situations-one thing that makes borderlines different is their emotional dysregulation-their inability to modulate emotions). Another important factor that distinguishes the two disorders is that borderlines often have an unstable self-image (they don't know who they are)...this, for example, is why they cannot stand to be alone-they rely on other people for cues-ex. if they perceive someone to be treating them badly, they think of themselves as a bad person. Borderlines also tend to experience more severe, pervasive black and white thinking patterns. 

But yes its possible to have both disorders-you can have all the above mentioned (and more!) features of borderline personality disorder in addition to the more chemical imbalanced bipolar disorder.

And can bipolar meds treat borderline personality disorder?

...Yes, but the most effective treatment is therapy. The drugs that they use to treat bipolar disorder: mood stabilizers or atypical antipsycotics can help "take things down a notch" with borderline personality disorder....SSRI's may help them be less impulsive.

Source(s):

DSM IV TR

Ugh!

I feel like crap, I have been doing so good my mood was upbeat and I was feeling really good and then I woke up Monday and can you say BOTTOM OUT!

Empty

I got up this morning put the dog out, had a tea and some toast once the dog came back in, we went back to bed and I slept until late in the afternoon.  Got up walked the dog, tried to cross stitch, but just wasn't into it and got up and made dinner.  Sounds like a normal day so far, however I have this deep emptiness that I can't seem to fill.

I have friends that mostly understand but having  BPD is like being a 3 year old, you want people around you but you don't want people around you.  You want to be loved but you don't want to leave your bed.  

I just finished 8 weeks of twice a week coping skills for BPD, and feel like I learned nothing.  However, when the 2 friends I have on the street visit for tea, I put the 'half smile' into use and sit there in conversation wishing they would go home.  As soon as they leave I want them to come back.  It is a circle I really wish I didn't live inside of. 

My family doctor believes I am being over medicated but won't change anything because my shrink prescribed my medications.  

I just wish they would put me on fucking disability so I could move out to my sister's and be at peace in the country where the dog and I can walk in the woods for hours, sit by the pond and then by the fire at night and just BE!

To all my brother's and sister's that suffer from a mental illness I really hope that someday we don't have to take medications to make us feel normal or make us 'seem' normal.  My heart is with you all.

kind of an update to the last post kind of lol

So my son and DIL moved back to the city, figured out a budget where I will see money monthly and they both are going to look for jobs...

some how I feel this has been said before, but what if it doesn't happen... like the so called baby they were having SURPRISE... She LIED.  Anyway I have informed them that I will go to the police and I will get a lawyer involved if they stop paying me until it is all paid up.

I feel empowered telling them that, and I do mean it and plan on doing it if need be.

Almost done my DBT coping course, I have learned a lot but feel very unready to go back to my job, I have a tilt table test on Tuesday which after you tubing it, it is nothing like I thought it would be and after reading the comments, I was a little terrified.  However I will do it.

My therapist was sent a 20 page questionnaire from the insurance company to find out my Mental preparedness for returning to work and sent a letter to my doctor for a list of more tests they want run.  Whenever they get involved I freak out, I panic yet they don't care, I know they are doing their job, but I am no where near ready to do mine yet.  

I have my intake appointment for the anxiety group in a couple of weeks, and I wish they would just let me do a 1 on 1 but I will have to suck it up and join the group.  My agoraphobia is so bad right now I only go out when I have group, see my doctor to councilor or my therapist and when the dog has to go out. 

I don't mind people coming to my house but please don't stay long.

Wow I am a mess.