Ugh!

I feel like crap, I have been doing so good my mood was upbeat and I was feeling really good and then I woke up Monday and can you say BOTTOM OUT!

Empty

I got up this morning put the dog out, had a tea and some toast once the dog came back in, we went back to bed and I slept until late in the afternoon.  Got up walked the dog, tried to cross stitch, but just wasn't into it and got up and made dinner.  Sounds like a normal day so far, however I have this deep emptiness that I can't seem to fill.

I have friends that mostly understand but having  BPD is like being a 3 year old, you want people around you but you don't want people around you.  You want to be loved but you don't want to leave your bed.  

I just finished 8 weeks of twice a week coping skills for BPD, and feel like I learned nothing.  However, when the 2 friends I have on the street visit for tea, I put the 'half smile' into use and sit there in conversation wishing they would go home.  As soon as they leave I want them to come back.  It is a circle I really wish I didn't live inside of. 

My family doctor believes I am being over medicated but won't change anything because my shrink prescribed my medications.  

I just wish they would put me on fucking disability so I could move out to my sister's and be at peace in the country where the dog and I can walk in the woods for hours, sit by the pond and then by the fire at night and just BE!

To all my brother's and sister's that suffer from a mental illness I really hope that someday we don't have to take medications to make us feel normal or make us 'seem' normal.  My heart is with you all.