Yule and Christmas 2014

This was by far the BEST time I have had in many years!  Yule was spent with Shan, Brianna, Kyla, Anthony, Ellie and Mike and Joe!  We played cards against humanity which was a huge laugh then had ceasar salad, lasgna, garlic bread and a wonderful yule log for dessert, everyone was stuffed!  I sent Ashley's gift home with Joe, I hope she liked it.  

Christmas day Mike and I went to Sandy and Vic's house for family Christmas and I spent the time with mostly my sisters, it was wonderful and I truly felt loved.  Sandy and Vic did the same thing with their family as I did and it was a make your presents year and it went over excellently!  I cross stitched everyone something for Yule and made my sister's ornaments for their trees and I made mom and dad a sampler and an ornament for their tree too.  Sandy made bags for everyone and the 2 little ones got capes, so cute!  

Here is our complete family minus Joe and Ashely, Chels and Mike and Keiran's girl.

We have a large family full of crazy nutty people and I love them all!

Here is a Yule picture of Joe, Mike and I and Hermione

I wish you all the best for the coming New Year!

Borderline Personality Disorder I HATE IT

I have been feeling great for weeks, enjoying my new place and fall here is just the most beautiful thing I have ever seen!  My depression has been good with very little anxiety trips, life is good!

Until today... if you have a mental disorder you will understand how stupid little things can send you flying off to screaming and yelling, locking yourself in your room while everyone else has fun sitting around talking and laughing and you just feel like screaming or crying or ashamed.  I haven't had any BPD symptoms in a while until today.  You forget and think you are normal until someone says something that doesn't mean anything but for some reason you freak and pack up your shit and hide out in your room because you realize you are not NORMAL and nothing and everything people say will piss you off or upset you.

I don't want to cry but feel I need to but won't let myself, it was stupid and I am stupid for hiding out in my room so no one sees me.  I just need to be alone until this passes.

Too Old for this Shit, or am I?

I haven't felt like myself lately and couldn't figure out why until I sat and thought about it for a couple of days and it hit me like a cast iron fry pan!

I'M HOMESICK!

I miss my parents, my son Joe, my old house and neighbours and the fun fact of going around the corner for groceries, junk food and my friends.

I love it up here, who wouldn't but without a license there is no where you can go out in the country.  Shan can't drive due to her back so we are stranded here everyday.  Mike ran out of medication and his doctor back home is being a DICK and won't fax the pharmacy, has to SEE him, well it isn't like we are close to him, so we are looking for a doctor so he can get in and get him his med's.  

I am starting to get better but it was shocking to realize an adult can be homesick just like a kid at camp.  It has amplified my depression and my BPD.  I keep breathing and keep making my thoughts positive, but really miss my youngest son so much and I am so far from my Mom and Dad now.  

Brightest Blessings

Wow! I am over him for real!

Wow is right!  The last 2 men I was in a 'relationship' with both cheated on me and I left the 1st and the 2nd (who I really loved, or so I thought) left me for the other woman.  I have been blaming him and his sister and niece for the last 5 years, but really it was my own doing, except he is a cheater, but I made him look outside the relationship.

I say this because this morning, I woke to Garth Brooks song Jaded and listened to the whole thing and finally got the answer as to WHY Fred felt he had to look elsewhere.  I was smothering him in our relationship.
I had more of my clothes there than my own place, had my craft stuff at his place, made him dinner every night, did anything he wanted to do and when asked I would say "whatever you want is fine".  He wanted me to have an answer when he asked me what did I want to do, what shall we have for brunch or whatever... he wanted my answer not a silly girls mushy "I live and breathe for you" answers!

Don't get me wrong I was in love with him but after being lied and cheated on by my last relationship I guess I needed to be wanted and loved so badly I didn't see the signs that Fred was falling out of love with me because of my actions.

This has lifted a huge weight off of my chest and I can forgive him freely now, for the break-up without a reason, because now I know the reason.  If I ever find love again I believe I can be myself finally and if the man doesn't like it, then he isn't the one to be with!

As they sing... "Let it Go..."  Thank you Frozen, you taught me a lot as well.

July 29th 2014

Strange assed weather we have been having for the end of July.  Rain, drizzle, a day of sunshine then repeat lol  I don't mind, we still have our bonfire and still sit out under the awning.  I am so in love with this place I can't even explain the peace and lack of stress in my life now!

Today I went to my favorite tattoo and piercing place, up here, and I had my tongue re-pierced and now I remember the pain lol  I seem to have a super power of super fast healing and so when I took it out 2 years ago to eat at my parents house in 2 hours it closed up on me, so I had them re-do it since they were having a half off sale.  I also saw my first ever sunflower field today, I was pissed I didn't have my camera.  It had to be one of the most breath taking sights I have ever seen in a field.  All facing the same direction and all about the same height, WOW is all I can say.  I know I am truly blessed to have a friend invite my son and I to live with her and her daughters, she is a wonderful soul and I love her so much!   

Home at last

I have finally moved into my witchy sister's house in Innisfil, ON
The fresh air, the trees, the pond and the fire pit... just to name a few reason's are why I am here.

Up here I am stress free and once  all the steel city toxins are out of my body, I will be a lot healthier.  Shannon has made me and my oldest son feel so welcome as has her daughters!

Family and friends are free to visit whenever they wish and I am across the lake from one of my sisters and her family.

Even the dog and cat are enjoying the freedom and relaxation of being up here, this is the smartest move I could have done for myself.

move less than 3 months

I can't believe I move in less than 3 months from now!  I have soooooo much still to do but I am excited about moving home, I say home because I feel like I'm home when I am there with Shannon and her kids.
It's a 3 hour drive or so and I need it so bad.  Lately the city is just getting to close for me to handle.

In other news, I found out that I should be able to get a prescription card from welfare so I don't have to continue to decrease my daily doses to make my meds last longer.
Hopefully ODSP kicks in soon and I won't have to worry about that any more.

I have so much packing to do but its so hard when my roomer has his stuff everywhere and I can't get to my stuff.  End of the month he's going to have to move his stuff so I can start packing my other stuff or he can leave.

Time for me to go to bed, good night to whomever reads this blog.

SWAT Team and Police dogs

Last night I was sitting here cross stitching and heard a very loud bang followed by the sound of something on my roof!  I went to the door to see SWAT and police out front of my house with huge guns, lots of them!
Two came to the door asking for access to the roof and there was a criminal on my roof, so I told them how to get to the roof and was told to stay in my house with the doors locked.
After trying to look out the front window I was told to shut the curtains LOL
They caught the guy and apparently there were a few others they took out of the apartment next door for dealing drugs.

I have to say it was scary to be apart of the whole thing. 

Running Around in Circles

Today I had to go to the bank for paperwork for ODSP, without a car it means 3 buses there and 2 buses home.  I hate it!  I is a nicer day but still chilly out there in the wind.

I feel like I am running in circles, getting no where but I just keep going... sad, tired, depressed and very little joy.

I need spring to come and warm up the earth and I need boxes to pack, thanks to the mice that ate through the last ones!

I have to go to my doctor's on Thursday, I have been putting it off, he is going to be annoyed I quit my job, but my mental health comes first.

Did a sample tax run yesterday and I am going to owe $1,100.00 how do I pay this when I only get disability payments each month?  I am terrified.

I found out that I may qualify to dip into my locked in RRSP due to financial hardship, I should know by next week if this can help me or not. 

So tired

These days I am so very tired.  I have so many things I have to do, get my birth certificate signed by a guarantor, once I get that done and mailed off then I need my SIN then I can get ODSP.  Oh, and bank records... all things mean I have to leave the house and that is getting harder and harder for me.
I am moving in 3 months and have so much to do to get this done and feel like doing nothing these days.  I need help and my appointment with my new shrink has been moved to April.  
Not sure what to do but have to make myself go out Monday to the bank to get that covered, then Thursday I will have to go to the doctor's to get him to sign my birth certificate information signed, also have an appointment with ODSP Tuesday which will only get partly completed without my ID.  4 weeks left of my medications, then nothing and that is terrifying.  I have been without med's before and I feel like I want to die.  It will be a trick to keep myself safe from myself.
I wish spring would arrive, it is so much easier to travel the buses when the weather is nicer.

Winter, PLEASE leave!

I haven't bitched about the long cold frigid winter yet, but I have to now.  I am sick and tired of the wind that is so cold, the snow and the bitter air!  My poor little dog will not walk in the boots they make for dogs so she ends up holding up a paw by the time she goes out just to do her business.
Last year I had a person that would drive me to my appointments etc but this year she picked up a 2nd job so she is busy and I have to face the elements and it sucks!

We really didn't even have an Autumn, it has been a very long winter and I think it should be finished.

Not much of a rant but that is all.  LOL I am too easy going, which is not always a good thing.

Full House

January started with the death in the family of a beautiful soul, my oldest son doesn't take death well and has ended leaving his father's house and moving onto my couch.  I can't wake him to save my life, however I know the sleeping has to do with his depression right now.  I am trying to get him to go back home as sleeping all day doesn't work here when he's on my couch.  I can't cross stitch because he has the best light and windows behind him.

Then there are my room mate's friends, they are always here and I mean always I wake up, they're here I go to bed they're here.  I want to scream!  His gf is quiet and I hardly know she's here, but she's here every day/night.

I am moving the end of June, I can't wait to get to the country side.  It is a little sparse for me but I need a change and my friend needs help too.  Can't wait for log fires and no sirens no traffic and no crime.  Have to go through my stuff and start deleting things from my house so I don't have so much to move.

Well that's it for now, I will write next week.

Blessings from the Goddess to all.