This Time of Year

There is something about this time of year, the warm wind, flowers coming up, the trees blooming... I just want to jump into my SUV and roll down the windows and head to the beach!
Being that the doctor took my licence that isn't going to happen but I just want to drive so bad with the smell in the air and the feeling in my stomach.  I want that freedom back but have to know it's never going to happen.

I start knitting and don't want to knit anymore, that goes with cross stitch and crochet.  Not even sure I could read a book at this moment in time I am just so itchy to do something that isn't what I would normally do.  

I need to do more packing, but need to wait to hear if I am accepted for life long disability and terrified they will say no, then what do I do?

Friends just came by to save me. LOL  later my loves....

What is enough?

I have a friend who has 2 beautiful kids under 4 yrs old, today her husband decided he had enough of family life and walked out the door.
Now a little background, she does any thing he wants, cooks what he wants has dinner ready when he comes home from work, does whatever he wants in the bedroom, without question and yet it is too much.  He has cheated with at least 1 girl at work, there may be more.  Today he leaves for a single younger girl at work without committments, wants to party and have fun.  Hey sounds like fun doesn't it?  This is not a mid life crisis, he is only in his mid 20's.

What about your wife who you've been with for 10 years?
What about your 3 year old and your 1 yr old?
What about the vows you said?

You are an ASSHOLE, you are scum and I have lost all respect for you.  I pray everyday for this family 

What will you do when the gf figures out she isn't the only one?  What will happen when she sees the real you, not this romantic amazing man willing to leave his wife and kids?  Once a cheater, always a cheater, this could mean you honey!!!
I don't understand men, I keep running into this type of man yet I know for a fact there are great men out there, my Poppa, my Daddy and my 2 brother in-laws are all good loyal respectful men yet everyone I meet is just like my friend's husband.

Life has got to get better for my friend and her children, please light a candle, say a prayer, something.  I thank you from the bottom of my heart.

for my L!!

My Crazy Weekend HELP FLEAS!!!

I called my landlord mid last week about a horrible problem with Fleas  my roommate is freaking thinking they are bed bugs!  I had a friend over who has horrible reactions to bedbugs and she did not get 1 bite and was over and on various pieces of furniture that he says he has been bitten sitting there.  Now I have seen the welts on his arms but hey dude, get it together, no one else is getting bitten JUST YOU!!

seriously!

Don't get me wrong, he is a great guy when he wants to be, but a regular asshole when he is breathing or without his weed, he has a back problem and has been moving my furniture around to get away from the 'bugs'.

his life line

  

my computer guru

He fixes computers yet for some reason can't get a job due to his back, whatever!  So yesterday when he had no weed and had been moving shit around he woke up screaming at me that I better call the landlord or he was calling a pest company if she didn't come and deal with these things ASAP.  
Now I had called Wednesday, Friday and again Sunday and finally got ahold of her and is sending people with some damn steam thing that kills both fleas and bedbugs so we had to move everything away from the baseboards.  
Of course my house is not exactly easy to do this as I have so much shit up on the main floor because I am planning on moving I have all my cross stitch stuff, knitting and crochet not to mention all my witchy things up here to ORGANIZE and figure out what I can part with so there is no fucking room!  I look like a Hoarder at the moment and with my bipolar, ocd and anxiety going fucking crazy with all this shit in the center of EVERY ROOM!

at the moment UGH!

Once this is done today, I am going to be putting everything into my cabinets and getting rid of more stuff!

Have a bunch of these to organize my craft stuff

This was my plan for the week anyway, so guess it is going to be done for sure this week.
Hoping for sure the flea's will be gone, and if the RM has anymore issues I am going to tell him he has 2 months notice to get the fuck out!

Home DAMN IT!

So I took the bus home yesterday, sadly.  I love it up there even if there are children in the home LOL  

I missed Lisa and the kids, so good to see them I missed tea with Mary too.  

My heart is up North now with the beautiful sky and wonderful fresh air and I found out there is a speedway just up the road!! SO excited about that!!

I have crap to finish here before I can move up there and what am I doing, hiding in the basement.  I hate the city more than ever.  

I have great friends here in the city, I don't get to see them often enough and I'm ok with that, but is so much better up north where I will be living with Shannon and the kids.

On the plus side, having lunch with my oldest son Mike tomorrow, so looking forward to that!!!!  Wish I could see Joe, miss him too.  My kids are so important to me, love that they are grown and doing their own thing, but sad they are grown up.

I am cold and bitchy today... 

Vacation in the North and 1st Birthday

So Wednesday March 20th I bused it out of the big city with a huge suitcase, dog kennel, huge purse and a back back.  Now only was it Ostara (our Easter if you are a witch, wiccan, pagan, druid etc), but it was the Grand Witchlet's 1st birthday!!!!!!!  Pictures to follow.

Poor Hermione, she has chewed herself raw with anxiety due to he trip in the travel kennel.  However with a few bathroom accidents a day due to the amount of thawed out mud she has been loving it anyway.  

Sunday was the BIG family birthday party at Great Nana's house with what seemed to be a million people however I met a couple of really nice people and a couple with some really bad energy, I stayed away when I felt those.  It was a lot of fun for everyone and reminded me of when we did family birthday's when the kids were little.

On the Saturday Shannon and I had a blast, we danced and talked, sang and danced some more until exhaustion kicked in and swe crashed hard! lol

We talked about the fact with her working we were not getting to spend much time together, so I decided to leave after Easter weekend so I didn't have the traffic of people on April 1st.  Shan and I are going to Barrie to kick around on Saturday and Sunday we will just chill out and talk more.  

Saturday is Kyla (the witchlet's mom)'s 19th birthday and Sunday is Anthony's (her boyfriend), who is the sweetest kindest soul I have met in my life.  So we get more birthday to celebrate before I go home. lol like my ass needs more damn cake! lol

I haven't had 1 panic or anxiety attack, with the exception of a bit of anxiety on the day of the family birthday party, since the bus rides.  I feel so good up here, it feeds my soul and makes me feel so amazingly serene.  I use to think it was just being with Shannon and her family, but it is that and the nature all around me.  I walked around the outside of the house this morning it felt so amazing and so good to be breathing the fresh chilly air and hear the birds and see the barns and at night when it is clear, the stars are fill the sky... nirvana!

birthday Witchlet Ellie with Nana Shannon

Greetings my 2 followers LMAO

I asked a good question today, is it possible that I was misdiagnosed with BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder) now that I have been diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder... or can I have both. WELL... the answer is BOTH... DING DING DING!!!

it is possible to have both borderline personality disorder and bipolar disorder. Bipolar disorder is more of a chemical imbalance. It is not that borderline personality disorder is more pathological-its that its more "ingrained." Its a dysfunctional way of thinking and perceiving that greatly impairs one's normal functioning. The core feature of borderline personality disorder is a pervasive pattern of instability of interpersonal relationships, self-image, and affect and impulsivity. And individuals with borderline personality disorder experience mood fluctuations or emotional dysregulation in response to their external environment (ex. they may instantly become overly angry or sad-beyond normal-if they perceive that someone is mistreating them). Individuals with bipolar disorder experience mood fluctuations as a chemical imbalance (though they are normal people and experience a normal range of emotions when confronting different situations-one thing that makes borderlines different is their emotional dysregulation-their inability to modulate emotions). Another important factor that distinguishes the two disorders is that borderlines often have an unstable self-image (they don't know who they are)...this, for example, is why they cannot stand to be alone-they rely on other people for cues-ex. if they perceive someone to be treating them badly, they think of themselves as a bad person. Borderlines also tend to experience more severe, pervasive black and white thinking patterns. 

But yes its possible to have both disorders-you can have all the above mentioned (and more!) features of borderline personality disorder in addition to the more chemical imbalanced bipolar disorder.

And can bipolar meds treat borderline personality disorder?

...Yes, but the most effective treatment is therapy. The drugs that they use to treat bipolar disorder: mood stabilizers or atypical antipsycotics can help "take things down a notch" with borderline personality disorder....SSRI's may help them be less impulsive.

Source(s):

DSM IV TR

Ugh!

I feel like crap, I have been doing so good my mood was upbeat and I was feeling really good and then I woke up Monday and can you say BOTTOM OUT!

Empty

I got up this morning put the dog out, had a tea and some toast once the dog came back in, we went back to bed and I slept until late in the afternoon.  Got up walked the dog, tried to cross stitch, but just wasn't into it and got up and made dinner.  Sounds like a normal day so far, however I have this deep emptiness that I can't seem to fill.

I have friends that mostly understand but having  BPD is like being a 3 year old, you want people around you but you don't want people around you.  You want to be loved but you don't want to leave your bed.  

I just finished 8 weeks of twice a week coping skills for BPD, and feel like I learned nothing.  However, when the 2 friends I have on the street visit for tea, I put the 'half smile' into use and sit there in conversation wishing they would go home.  As soon as they leave I want them to come back.  It is a circle I really wish I didn't live inside of. 

My family doctor believes I am being over medicated but won't change anything because my shrink prescribed my medications.  

I just wish they would put me on fucking disability so I could move out to my sister's and be at peace in the country where the dog and I can walk in the woods for hours, sit by the pond and then by the fire at night and just BE!

To all my brother's and sister's that suffer from a mental illness I really hope that someday we don't have to take medications to make us feel normal or make us 'seem' normal.  My heart is with you all.