Trusting? Can it happen after the damage is done?

So, I went up north to visit my witch sister and her family for over a week and it was wonderful.  Shannon needed my strength as much as I needed her love.  It is always an exchange of energy for us when we get together.  I have decided once I have been put on permanent disability I am moving up there and away from those that do nothing but use me.

My daughter in-law called me last Friday saying she received a cheque and because their bank puts a hold on all cheques, could they cash it though my account, she said she had talked to her father and he said it was safe to cash it and my instincts were telling me to call her dad but I didn't because she is family and wouldn't hurt me in anyway, right?  WRONG!

I came home and went to go online and do all my banking, pay my rent etc only to find out my bank account was over $3000.00 in the red! I called her right away and she was shocked saying everything she could saying she would fix this etc.  I then did what I should have done on the Friday and texted her father and he told me he told her NOT TO CASH IT!  So I confronted her with that information and she changed the subject to her marriage to my son not working out well and blah blah blah.  She says she is going to fix this but in the mean time that involves lawyers etc and where am I?  
Stuck trying to fix this with my bank when I only get $1600.00 a month from my insurance company.  It will take me 3 more months to fix this with not paying my rent or utilities, no xmas gifts and no food.

I am FUCKed!

She is carrying my grandchild, married to my son, I can't just charge her with fraud it isn't that easy.  I don't know what to do.  I am scared I am angry I am fucked!

Be Careful what you Wish for

When my kids were young and driving me crazy, I kept telling myself one day I would have a quiet life without the annoyances of daily life with the kids yelling and fighting.

Be careful what you wish for... now I sit here wishing just one would call, text, email anything to show they love and miss me as much as I do them.  I never thought I would miss them this much.  It is a normal right of passage to miss them, however I shouldn't feel like my world is empty because they are gone, yet I do.
I have friends, however they have families of their own and I can't burden them with my issues all the time.  I am however lonely and long to feel the love of my children.  My animals are not the same, I thought it would be a way to make me feel better, but it isn't.
Sadly even my extended children are too busy and not around either.

Fuck I am being so whiny!  Yet I can't seem to help it, tomorrow I am putting together a witches jar to get rid of the negative feeling in my home since Mike and his wife left and going to smudge the hell out of my home.  I am praying Goddess helps me to heal my heart and helps me release the negative feelings, it is so bad I have thought a lot about ending my life.  I say this on here since it is my blog of my feelings.

I do plan on being in this life long enough to enjoy my own grandchildren, but the thoughts and feels are hard to suppress every day.

Thank you for letting me vent again.

remember this is my bitching blog

I am still going through so much mental crap, I know it has to do with a fall out with someone I love a great deal.  She thinks I have lied to her but I have no idea what it is I have done.  She will not talk to me or anything, so I don't even have a chance to defend myself.  She is a very strong personality and if she feels wronged, I must have done something.  It is however eating me alive.  I am still having suicidal thoughts, but am getting better at pushing them away.  If after Samhain I am still having them, I will check myself into a hospital I would hate for anyone to find me that way.

My son and his wife have moved out of town and due to my being a WITCH they now feel this is the way to hell... keeping in mind son was a self professed PAGAN for many years before getting married.  I don't have a problem with their choice, it is just that, their choice to make.  I just worry when their children come and with son being very strong with his abilities that any children they have will also have these abilities and it worries me on how they will handle that.  However, since I am a witch I will not be allowed to see said children, so it isn't my problem.

I have been cross stitching and it feels good to be doing it again, no designing but at least I am stitching.

Blessings to anyone that reads this page, it is my corner to stomp my feet and have my fits and be honest with myself.

Today was a very bad day.  I thought about and had a plan to kill myself, however I didn't do it, or I wouldn't be here writing this blog.

Words are so much stronger than sticks and stones they sting more and hurt deeper.

I wish I could go back in time 

I wish I could undo the past

I wish I didn't get raped and pregnant at 15 and my parents make me abort my child

I wish I didn't miscarry my twin girls

I wish I didn't live past those events.

I can't forgive myself for my past

I always forgive EVERYONE else around me, but just can't seem to forgive me.

Death is welcomed, my kids are grown and don't need me, although I am sure they would miss me it would destroy my parents and I don't want to disappoint anyone anymore.

You know why I can't go through with ending my life?  Because I would make others upset.

It is like an endless circle with me in the middle afraid of everything.

Good night, may the Gods and Goddess' keep you safe while you dream

Sunday March 25th, 2012

Wow, for 3 weeks I have had a pain under my right arm pit.  I thought it was bruising from GREAT sex, but all my bruises have faded and healed and well my right arm has gotten worse.
I thought maybe I did something at the gym, but remembered I haven't been in 2 weeks... hanging head in shame!
I am freaking it is cancer... even called my sister who is a nurse trying NOT to freak out told her what is happening and she said to wait until I can see my family doctor on Monday or Tuesday. 
I don't know if I should wait, it hurts to type unless I hold my arm to my side while I type, I tried to write in my journal and holding a pen nearly made me cry.  Apart of me says RUN to the hospital 'what if it's cancer' or 'what if it's a tumor' or what if it is something that is going to kill me! have all crossed my mind here and as you can tell by the time (5:09am EST) it hurts when I roll over on it when I am sleeping and wakes me up!
Hell I even started a new blog so I could bitch about my shit lol  ok so if you know me I have mental issues up the ass and am again on a leave from work due to my head thanks to the newly added fainting and black outs.
I don't know why my body is now breaking down, don't I have enough shit going on with my mental health??
What do you think, should I wait until Monday morning, or should I go in the morning to the hospital?
All opinions welcomed!!!  As well as comments